Easter Praise (Jar)

So there's a freshman in my dorm
He probably got here at the end of August
just like the rest of his worthless class.

I try not to think about it, because
he has been the bane of my existence
ever since.

Why does he do this?
Why must he torment me so?

It's probably because of his mother;
the way she raised him,
not to mention his jealousy - about Us.

But that isn't a reason to hate someone
in fact, I am quite happy about it
(so is she)

Anyway, in spite of the fact
that he is a raving engineer
and a raging feminist

He still manages to perpetuate stereotypes
of 1. ridiculous procrastination
which he is both a master of and subject to

embracing and even encouraging it
until going to sleep at the not-so-wee hours
and dragging down all of those in his general vicinity

like an enormously dense mass with a gravitational field
even larger than... his ego's (YEAH IT'S IMPLIED you Oedipus wannabe)

and 2. absolutely nonsensical, irrational behavior among women

And this asshole projects his acoustic-guitar-playing
stream-of-consciousness-writing
come-on-seriously-stream-of-consciousness-you-must-be-kidding
iPod-touch-videogame-playing
friday-night-masturbating
oxford-english-dictionary-"o.e.d."-(kind of like QED, another acronym which no one is familiar with... you pretentious asshole)-reading, which brings me to
acronym-in-everyday-speech-using
indie-[emo hand gesture]-music-listening
your-mom-joke-slinging (WE GET IT)
broke-ass-New-Balance-wearing
sarcastic-, double-sarcastic-, triple-what-the-fuck-even-does-that-mean-sarcastic
cost-benefit-analyzing-shit-that-isn't-cost-benefit-analyzable
curse-jar-WHAT-ARE-YOU--A-70-YEAR-OLD-MAN??-utilizing

attitude

onto the rest of the world,
and expects a blow job in return.

And then the world rises to the occasion.

Happy Easter.

Bitches.

Run the Numbers

While it may be easy for one to bitch about all of their problems, it is also sefish. Thus, it is always a good idea for us to step back once in a while and ask: "what are the problems that other people have?" It is in the spirit of this selflessness that I ask the question:

"What is the deal with the gender ratio at Columbia?"

It can make it so hard to find a man (or so I've heard) - not to mention a good one. When you're at this level, most guys are either socially inept, or so full of themselves as to be intolerable. The rest of them are 'off the market' - either gay, taken, or both. What happened to high school? We were the shit in high-school. We dumped guys at the end of high school in anticipation for mature, cooler college guys. Well, that was a mistake - and for some of us, we might still be feeling the pain four years later.

Don't blame Barnard. Just don't, if for no other reason than its sheer unoriginality. Yes - were they not included in the gender ratio, you would have much fewer competitors. But if anyone has an advantage, it is the women of Colombia. The country of Colombia. Smoking hot women.

MISOGYNY ALERT!

   (mi-so-gyn-y: hatred of women) (al-ert: alarm)

But wait! I'm innocent! It's not like I suggested that they should flaunt the fact to male prospies! BUT THEY PROBABLY SHOULD, THERE WOULD BE MORE GUYS HERE! MAKE UP YOUR MINDS, DECIDE WHAT YOU WANT!

...

In related news, SEAS saw its highest percentage rate acceptance of women this year. This is important because of the underrepresentation and unfair perception of women in science. They are just as capable as men in the pursuit of truth, and no one should tell them differently. But they are still going to steal your (potential) boyfriend, especially when they share six classes.

So quit smiling, unless you are strong enough to survive without a man to slow you down - in which case we salute you. Because, really, as mentioned before, they're mostly totally useless, and the good ones, they are simply better liars than the others. They are filthy, and all of their talk about the modernization of gender relations is geared towards getting in your pants.

MISANDRY ALERT!

      (mis-and-ry: hatred of men) (al-ert: alarm)

Which leads us to

MISANTHROPY ALERT!

      (mis-an-thro-py: hatred of yeah, pretty much everybody) (al-ert: alarm)

Damnit, I was hoping to avoid that.

BITCHES!

Sustenance

This blog was established with the simple man in mind - and I understand that, when you hear all the bickering going on at Columbia, you may get a little lost. Some buzzwords and concepts don't even deal with political topics, but instead with the bickering itself! You could call these 'meta-concepts,' but then you'd be a tool - and that's another rant.

In either case, it is with those of you in mind that I introduce today one of these concepts, and provide an example. From the Oxford English Dictionary, the definition for counterprotest:

       "There are no results; the nearest alphabetical match-point is displayed in the side-frame."

Thus, we can see right off the bat that this word is bullshit. The OED has over 600,000 words,  and this isn't one of them. Regardless, we may sink to the depths of a descriptive grammar to treat this as a word. From counter: "against, in return," and protest: "A solemn, formal, or emphatic declaration or affirmation; an avowal," we thus have counterprotest: "a solemn, formal, or emphatic declaration or affirmation against, or in return; an avowal against, or in return."

Now that this little bit of excellence is established, I present to you a counterprotest:

HEY GUYS, JOHN JAY ISN'T THAT BAD;

COLUMBIA FOOD IN GENERAL COULD BE MUCH WORSE.

Had you only read these two lines in caps before this sentence, then don't worry, you're not missing anything. But generally, there has been an overabundance of bickering as to the quality of Columbia food, and John Jay in particular.  

If you are looking for a 20 dollar steak for your 15 dollars/swipe, you are going to be sorely dissappointed. But what were you thinking, anyway? We get that there are unlucky days, and you aren't a huge fan of beef stroganof, or the chillingly-named vegan chicken - but if your poor poor stomach needs something meaty, you have access to soups, casserettes, and - wait for it - a frickin' grill.  This is only if you aren't confident enough about your sexuality to subsist on salads - which, with a consistent salad bar as well as delightful 'gourmet' salads popping up randomly, isn't too difficult - otherwise, you should be able to drown the aforementioned meaty goods in hot sauce, annihilating any argument about their quality.

The rest of Columbia food is at least as good as John Jay, thus:

Q.E.D.

BITCHES!

The grass is always greener...

... on the other side - BUT YOU STILL CAN'T FRISBEE THERE.

PROLOGUE:
The sun is out, and it is beautiful. Your hand holds another's - that of the most delightful (subjective, of course) girl (or boy) in all of Columbia (or Barnard) (probably not from SEAS. though) - and you stroll along to drop them off at their next class. You kiss, you depart, and you look to what's in your other hand - a Frisbee.

CUT TO THE PRESENT:
The situation is dire. You've been caught by the same security guy three times today, and your combo of badass shades and witty t-shirt means he won't forget you any time soon. You feel like a criminal, and you're treated like one - now get your ass off the lawn. Heck, one of those times was on Van Am quad - and frisbeeing Van Am sucks enough to begin with.

Until April 27th, your ass (or, well, mine) will be denied the basic right of Lebensraum in an (ironically) authoritarian fashion; perhaps to keep up appearances, they might wait until a tour group passes, or lighten up during Days on Campus - but until April 27th, when you are squarely effed by finals, you will not be able to enjoy the lawns scot-free.

Some may reiterate the tired tripe that "oh, Columbia is protecting the lawns, they're gonna get damaged, upkeep ehh wahh booo" - to which I (or rather, Benjamin Franklin) have a very pointed response: "They who can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety, deserve neither liberty nor safety."

The meaning of this is obvious: bloodshed or not, the South Fields are and must be a battlegrounds for our liberty, our frisberty. While the administration may have us outgunned in the fight for justice, we would be no manlier (in a gender-neutral sense) than those very blades of grass, were we to lay down our arms now. The time is now, friends: give me frisberty, or give me Death.

BITCHES!

A hot-button issue

When I speak of "that girl," I am not speaking about one, particular girl. I am speaking about a class of girls.

Maybe you have seen them - usually small, bookish. Busy looking, always carrying something - if not books, then a purse; if not a purse than a coffee. But there is another, more important trait that they all share:

NOT BEING HANDICAPPED.

If all you have read up to this point are the big, attention-grabbing capital letters, then go back and read the sentences prior - this next section might then make some more sense. That girl she is busy she has stuff to do and she is woman-as-doer woman-as-getter-of-sh-t-done and you know she walks and she scoots and she scoots and she walks oh so energetically around campus but then! in a great anti-climax she - scoots and walks right up to a door and *dink!* pushes a little button with a wheelchair on it. It's ok - she earned that!

BUT WAIT - SHE DIDN'T!

My only compensation for having to wait behind her as the door tediously, weariedly, sluggishly opens is the knowledge that she has to wait for the elevator - but that's really not any sort of compensation at all, is it? Chances are that she not only leaves on all the lights in her room, but also sets her sound system to constantly play a note (below human hearing) that vibrates with antarctic ice - causing it to melt instantly. Why? It helps her sleep.

    BITCHES!

Bitchin'

Bitchin' at columbia is what I do

don't lie to yourself, because you do it too

it's a tradition heeyuh, and I swear that's the truth -

just look up nineteen-sixty-eight for proof.

          word.

This is the introductory post of the brand-spanking new "bitchin @ columbia" blog. This blog was started as a response to the ever-present feelings of discontent and protest among the student body, those which are usually exercised in highly... cerebral spheres.  Thus, if you're simply too busy to read the news, simply afraid to take a serious stand on any issues, or simply, well, simple - this blog should be just the place to get all of the discontent you have been missing out on.

    BITCHES!